Finally, the Support I Need

The choice to breastfeed or not to breastfeed is a completely personal choice.  And I think every woman should make that decision based on their own criteria. There will always be huge debates on what you should or should not do.  This post is not an endorsement for either one; just my experience with it.

First of all, it is freaking hard to get a baby to breastfeed.  I don’t know why, when considering way back when, the baby only had the boob to get sustenance.  Secondly, maybe you can only do it if you have a very patient baby. Mine was not.  While at the hospital, there was some help, but not what I would expect.  I was sharing a room with this young girl, probably like 19 or 20, who had a baby boy.  Her breastfeeding was going well.  Just as she was about to get released, it came out that she went into labor early because her mom by accident push open a door, and the door knob hit her in the stomach so she went into labor early.  Then on top of that, she did not want the baby daddy’s name on any of the paperwork (we were divided by a sheet, and the 30th episode of Law & Order was getting pretty old.)  Anyway, she as she was getting discharged, a woman from social services came to interview her and to make sure the baby was not in any danger when she went home.  Cue, O.  She was with me, and for the 5th time that day, I was trying to breastfeed her.  Then all of sudden she let out a cry, like I was scalding her with hot water instead of breastmilk.  The ever so helpful social worker, pops her head behind the curtain.  “Is there anything wrong?” I’m trying to breastfeed. “Dear, I don’t think you are doing a good job.  That baby is not happy.”  Well, I don’t know what to tell you. She doesn’t want to take the boob. “Hmm,” she says. My blood pressure at that point rises about 20%, and  O certainly feels it. So her screams become more intensified, and more ear-piercing.  The lady’s head pops back around, but I don’t hear her talking to the girl.  In my head, a million scenarios are forming. This lady is going to come back and take O away from me.  We will be in a battle to get her back.  5 minutes later, her, a nurse, and the Leche lady are all in my little space.  My heart is racing even. O’s screams have become silent, that is how upset she was.  And they all start talking to me.  Definitely not helping to calm me down.  I think the girl next to me, all peeped her head around the curtain. I don’t remember the person who finally said, I think we should all step aside, and let the mom calm down. I don’t even know if anyone actually did say that.  But finally I gave her bottle.

Maybe this experience scarred us both, because no matter what I tried, nothing worked. I got the nipple guard, nothing.  So I did the next best thing: I pumped, and fed her with a bottle.  Definitely a pain in the ass. But hey, it worked. It was such a pain, that I could only keep it up for about 3 or 3-1/2 months. And not only that, I think my boobs dried up.  So O was on the formula.

But even with my half-assed breastfeeding, my boobs have completely changed from prior to getting pregnant.  I had a really nice collection of push up, sexy bras.  Well none of those work anymore. My boobs have become some giggly, that they just don’t want to sit properly in the sexy push up bras.  Every time I would bend down, I could possibly give someone a really nice shot of very unsexy boobs.  I had to pull out some old Gap bras that didn’t have the padding, but had better coverage, and they were fine. Except that the elastic is starting to go. And let’s face it, they were not shaping much of anything. I don’t even know why I bothered wearing them. It helped with nothing.  So my search for a new perfect bra started in a half-ass earnest.  (If I have any free time, I would do anything else but shop for bras.) So it wasn’t going anywhere, UNTIL… we went to the Calvin Klein outlet. I had always loved their bras, but alas all my old bras were not helping with the current boob situation.  But I looked anyway, and then I tried on their full coverage bras.  And EUREKA!!!  I found the perfect bra: Full Coverage LEVEL 3 bras 34C (previously 34B, so thanks, O!).  Of course, they only had 1 color, the black. So I only got the black because there is no point in having 3 black bras. But do not worry, I will be back and get more colors.  Today I am wearing it, and I finally feel normal… shapely… womanly.

Next, I might start wearing my spanx more often.  Or (the horror) start exercising to get rid of the middle gut.

PS Regarding the breastfeeding, O seems perfectly fine, even though I only breast fed for 3 months, and I did 2 breastmilk meals with one formula during this time. Because I never thought she was eating enough.


About RidgewoodMom

Thirtysomething mom of a baby girl. First and only baby, possibly. First baby amongst my close friends. These are the trials, frustrations and lessons I have learned in raising a single child in New York.
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2 Responses to Finally, the Support I Need

  1. We did formula for our first son. We adopted him and I was pregnant at the time so breastfeeding was not really on my radar. I breastfed our youngest. I loved knowing he was getting “the good stuff” but boy did I love letting my husband get up in the middle of the night when he woke up since he was on formula. After 14 months of breastfeeding I am just now back in pre-preggo bras. I love the feeling.

    • RidgewoodMom says:

      Having DH do feedings is by the best! Can’t say, I don’t have the equipment. Congrats on breastfeeding for s0 long! It’s good to feel sexy again.

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